Shakira Is Being Blamed For Spain Choking In The World Cup After A Witch Claimed The Singer Had Her Put A Curse On Her Cheating Ex-Husband's Team

Marca - Spain's shock exit from the 2022 World Cup in Qatar at the hands of Morocco has had consequences in the form of a change of coach in the Spanish national team.

Luis Enrique left his post to Luis de la Fuente, in a new change of direction. However, no one expected Shakira to have anything to do with it.

The tarot reader Mhoni Vidente spoke out about Spain's elimination in Qatar and blamed Shakira, saying that the Colombian "put a curse" on them, after her separation from Gerard Pique.

"The one that worked completely was Shakira's curse, a curse that she put on the Spanish team," Vidente stated on her television show.

"Shakira, the ritual you paid me for worked so that they would not do well."

This story has it all.

Sports.

Witchcraft and sorcery.

And sex.

It doesn't get more sex than Shakira. She is the epitome of it. The embodiment of the word.

What's funny is how this whole thing went down. 

Shakira had been happily married to Spanish soccer star Gerard Pique for 12 years. 

We (we as stoolies) were celebrating her hotness back in May after she went on Jimmy Fallon and burned the place down in a pair of blazing hot leather fuck me boots.

Ironically, the majority of the comments in the comment section had to do with what a lucky bastard Gerard Pique was…

I use the word ironic because literally days later rumors started to break that Pique had been caught cheating on Queen Shakira

Followed by their separation, divorce, and Shakira eventually looking to stick it to Pique

Now, news that not only was Shakira looking to publicly humiliate Pique, but she was also using black magic to curse him. And it would appear that it worked as Spain choked against mega-underdog Morocco, bouncing Pique and his boys from the tournament. 

Just when you think Shakira can't get any hotter, we find out she's bat shit crazy and her hotness officially goes off the fucking charts.

Or maybe this is just part of the scorned-Latina-playbook? As we've all witnessed this year, as Thomas Edward Brady has found out the hard way. You piss off a Latin woman, and lawyers, and dividing finances friends are the least of your worries. Curses and hexes are real as fuck. Just ask Ryan Day. 

Shakira, if you're reading this, I know the perfect way to really stick it to your ex and get the best revenge. Do what Emily Ratajowski did and start dating a DJ. 

(just ignore the part where kelly keegs says djs are losers)

My only qualm here is the fact that this man is a DJ. Do people try to become DJs in a serious way anymore? Is the market not so over saturated with guys who just press play on a laptop that the generic "talent" around here haven't resigned themselves to making playlists for their friends' bi annual house parties, and that's it? Who knows, maybe this man is the next Avicii, he seems to have a history playing at Fashion Week events, but I know there's a subset of women floating around the Lower East Side who are sending "I FUCKING TOLD YOU DJS WERE COOL" group texts to all of their friends. I'm here to tell you ladies that they still aren't. But, as our girl Em is demonstrating, they are a great rebound and a lot of fun when you're entering your post-divorce club phase. 

Nothing sends a better message. Trust me. And I know just the guy. Just hit me up. I'll be glad to help.

Ti amo!

p.s. - does this lady age?

p.p.s. - can't mention witches, tarot readings, and curses without including one of the best barstool bits of all time. "the seance of sam" with donnie, kb, and nick.